Ugly: Giving us back our beauty standards

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I can’t help but grieve and be furious that these beauty archetypes made me feel so ugly at such a young age. But at the same time, taking a more critical and challenging perspective on the limited and limiting beauty standards we’ve been force-fed has helped me close that loop of self loathing. You know, the one that tells you you’re not thin/pretty/straight-haired/light-skinned enough to be valuable.

I’ll watch one TV show or film a week featuring women older than me who I think are awesome. Or spend time with a friend or family member who fits that bill. Pretty much everyone these days has given cosmetic intervention at least a passing thought. How can we not? It’s fired at us from every conceivable direction. Reality TV hawks it, social media sells it to us as a route to looking ‘flawless’, celebrities talk about their ‘good genes’ while we strongly suspect they’ve had something done. It is everywhere. Which has given us the mindset that ‘everyone has done it’ and ‘it’s no big deal’ — in fact, most of us probably either have, or know several people who have had, some ‘work’ done via any number of non-surgical, cosmetic ‘tweakments’ now on offer.

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This discomfort followed me from my teens to university and into adult life – a constant imaginary friend always there to remind you of your lowly place in the world. It gradually evolved into a toxic obsession with thinness – and all that it promised: success, acceptance and prettiness. Some people know they ‘belong’ at glossy magazines because they grow up being shown they could fit in there because of their appearance, or their class. Perhaps that’s why they’re drawn to those industries – and maybe have more of a vested interest in keeping those standards as they are. Although this could be subconscious so isn’t necessarily always deliberate. Why did I still feel like this? Something I hadn’t yet identified was keeping me lodged in this web of self-hatred. I was angry at myself, too – I was well versed in how the capitalist patriarchal agenda has used beauty standards against women as a means of controlling us. Logically, I knew I now had permission to embrace my looks, but ugly was so deeply ingrained in me, it wouldn’t let me go. More than anything else I wanted to be free of its clutches, but there was a missing piece to this exhausting puzzle. That’s why it’s become a fascinating subject to me, simply because I’ve never had it – I’ve always felt on the outside of pretty, looking in. Research seems to overwhelmingly favor those with pretty privilege in the workplace, especially as building confidence from an early age is said to help you step out of your comfort zone," Bhagwandas writes in Ugly, "This could translate as feeling like you are worth more when it comes to work – in terms of salary, progression, and treatment – and crucially, having the confidence to ask for it." Female celebrities are more likely to have their appearance dissected because they are making obvious changes to their appearance, and often. People are going to talk about that,” explains DeFino. This isn’t inherently a negative thing: “I hate the idea that discussing women’s looks—particularly when those looks are the result of an intense and potentially dangerous process of mechanical manipulation that defies the physical limits of the human face and the financial limits of the majority of the population—is sexist.”

As 33yo woman who noticed significant changes in my body I started being way meaner and cruel to myself than ever before. I hated what I saw in the mirror everyday. I was horrified I didn't fit in my clothes anymore and blamed myself for not looking like I am 25 anymore. I remember when I started in the fashion and journalism industry, I felt that pretty much everyone was white. I wish I could tell myself then that the things I thought were working against me were probably going to make my career in what was a very elitist industry. I wish I could tell myself that the difference I felt is a great thing because it gives me a very unique perspective.

“People are upset by Madonna’s new face because it is, on some level, exposing the truth: that antiaging is an inhuman goal, and attempting to antiage—or age gracefully—actually takes an incredible amount of effort.”

Speaking to Glamour about why youth is celebrated above all else in women, Bhagwandas notes, “We have a society with a strong patriarchal legacy that has dictated that you can only be beautiful and valuable within very narrow parameters, one of which is being young and fertile. ” “It's about aging with some cosmetic intervention to still be agreeable to the male gaze, but not too much that you seem desperate, or that it’s noticeable.” OK, but you know why that’s the case though, right? Yes (sigh). Archaic data on fertility, patriarchal views of women’s appearance and the multiple industries that sell youth to women as the sole beauty ideal.

You’re too big for it. Here’s a butterfly outfit,” declared the lady doling out the costumes, after looking me up and down and thrusting some trousers into my hands, along with a flaccid-looking cape contraption. Perhaps the biggest shift was learning why I’d reduced my self-worth to being entirely defined by how I look, and that made me realise how imperative it was to root my self-esteem elsewhere, in the qualities that really define me – my character and positive traits. Because ugly is an ever-changing, politically charged construct – and the biggest lesson I’ve learned is never to trust those binary categories, “pretty” and “ugly”, don’t actually exist. * * * How to resist the ‘jar of hope’ impulse buy Unfortunately, when beauty standards begin to change, the different systems of oppression that control them work harder and they just become more insidious. That's why we need to be able to police them and take ourselves away from things that might be causing us harm. As comprehensive as it was, it only touched upon hirsutism in women. More in this would have been appreciated. I have never apologized for any of the creative choices I have made nor the way that I look or dress and I’m not going to start. I have been degraded by the media since the beginning of my career but I understand that this is all a test and I am happy to do the trailblazing so that all the women behind me can have an easier time in the years to come.”Who profits? Keeping women feeling small, old, unworthy and ugly supports patriarchy and capitalism. People get rich when women buy stuff they don’t need via the creation of beauty anxiety. None of us are immune to the pressures put on us to remain ageless, but I know that before I even consider getting anything tweaked again, it won't be a flippant decision. Feeling ugly isn’t an intrinsic part of our experience, it’s been put there by those who reap the rewards of it, and by industries that hold up an unattainable version of beauty as the standard. As is so often the case, getting tweaked isn’t the cure-all it’s sold to us as, because the system that’s selling it to us is what’s really broken.